Friday, January 11, 2013

Surrender

 

It has been a year since I shared my thoughts with you, dear reader.  I made a few attempts to post to the blog, but my attention was elsewhere. 

The last year has been difficult. Not because the Parkinson’s has gotten terribly worse.  A little slip on the charts, perhaps,  but I adapt.   Surprisingly, my dyskinetic head bobbing has become more tolerable, in fact, it is blissfully  absent from my life for many hours of the day.  Off times, (when the Sinemet is not working its magic) are a regular feature in my life now.   Again, I adapt.

It is not the disease that has been so difficult.  At any given moment, I am not racked with pain, discomfort or anxiety.  I do not face an imminent painful death or the tragedy of mental illness.  What is so difficult and overwhelming  is the adapting part.  I have struggled to make the life that I had, and the life I planned to have, fit into the paradigm of my disease.  I tried to continue with business as usual, create workarounds to prop up the old system of doing things that had worked for me so long. Keep plugging away, make the day count and all that.

I hit the wall this year.  The old ways could not be sustained.  Adapting  became too exhausting.  I finally surrendered and my future got much smaller.

But, guess what, Dear Reader.  I learned that smaller is an illusion.  Freed from the need to soldier on, I looked around my small world and saw a  galaxy of possible pursuits.  Not a universe of  infinite possibilities, I grant you, but plenty enough to keep me busy and relevant.

So my new strategy is this. One thing at a time, if possible.  Be kind to myself.  Get to the gym.  Keep regular hours.  Don't worry. Concentrate on family and friends.  Love.

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