Friday, January 11, 2013

Hitting the Wall

A letter I wrote 12/1/2012

Dear Hollywood,
I have been remiss by not keeping my dear friend in the loop. I am struggling now that the happy horse manure of optimism does not reflect the reality I experience.
The business that I was rebuilding? I melted down and failed. I worked with good people , but could not maintain the pace. Dump enough stress (past an unknown and moving threshold) on my parky brain and I cannot function. Lost sleep and stress is a bad combination, setting up opportunities for mistakes and bad judgment. Plus, in the end, my partner in this endeavor was not happy with my slow pace. So I did what I thought was the best for us both, resigned my share of the expected profits to cover her extra work, took a hit on overhead costs already spent.
It is sobering to face ones limitations. When at my peak, (back in the day) I knew limitations, but charged ahead anyway, confident that I would learn to solve problems on the fly. Now I have self doubts, or perhaps it is a clearer understanding of my limitations. (The big revelation? Stress kicks my butt.) There is no denying the truth.  It was only by pushing the envelope (no clich├ęs here!) that leads me to understand this.
So, what to do? The malady demands more time each day. There are periods of off time when I can barely walk.
Being parky will sooner or later be a full time job. But I STILL HOLD ON TO DELUSIONAL OPTIMISM that I can still reinvent my life for the better. What else can one do and not go crazy. Parkinson's is so insidiously slow to progress, I ( We?) CAN'T GIVE UP. What am I going to do, sit and watch the Wheel of Fortune with Vanna turning letters as my life ticks away? Not gonna happen buddy.
I am at the end of my tether. Something’s is bound to break.

Yours trembly,

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